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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Shivani's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
3:15 am
I turn to you...
It seems that time goes by quickly and painlessly when one enjoys oneself.. the minute tragedy hits you.. time stops.. it doesn't seem to pass.. it hurts.. endlessly

I've told myself to move on and think of the good... but sometimes no amount of good can ever make things right...

I miss you.. you can't imagine how much.. and I can't imagine how long I would pretend that I can overcome the pain..

I will still try ..

I want to share so many things with you.. I can't .. I'll never be able to .. ever again..

I do hope there is some truth in the after life.. because then there is hope.. that I will see you again and be able to share with you .. everything I want to.. once again!

Current Mood: sad
Thursday, August 13th, 2009
1:28 am
Three years..
so much has happened in these years and i wish i could recall all of it.. but as life moves on, memories fade.. at least the bad ones...

im involved in a new discovery.. sometimes, the changes that happen are so intense that you can feel like you're almost a different human being.. like you are living a different life and like you have evolved into something or someone else..

i never imagined this path in my journey.. but it is exciting.. sometimes stressful.. but always a learning experience!

Current Mood: pensive
Monday, August 21st, 2006
4:42 am
closer to the purpose of being?
who is qualified to judge anything really?

just like we all look and are made different.. it's obvious that we all have a different purpose of being .. one cannot change one's purpose, but, it is sometimes hard for the purpose to be revealed..

in that case seeking it out is a key.. but losing all hope makes it harder to even seek what is blurred.

so how do we get back that hope? that encouragement? that purpose .. to find the purpose of being???

Current Mood: thoughtful
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
11:25 pm
I don't know..
I don't know why some things work out and some things don't..
I don't know how to say sorry at times and other times think I didn't say it enough..
I don't know who is a friend from strangers and who is a foe from friends..
I don't know what the truth reveals or what lies are hidden..

But, sometimes it might be better not to know.. sometimes...

Current Mood: awake
Friday, August 4th, 2006
12:34 pm
dreams.. hopes.. laughter.. kindness.. generous.. ecstatic.. delusional.. emotional.. repetitive.. humorous.. fun.. saviour.. casual..

it was like that.. its like this and it will be like ??

cause and effect.. action and consequences.. determination perpetual.. temporary state..

life has a meaning.. find it !!

Current Mood: quixotic
Monday, July 17th, 2006
1:36 pm
hate the state..
its wierd how i always end up being in this state of mind.. no control.. but then i think that's what i aim for .. to loose it all .. senseless state of mind..

to not have what most do.. worries.. none of them.. just free .. beautiful.. dancing.. singing.. wishing.. thinking.. hoping..

cant believe i get on this thing after such a long time.. and i have nothing more to say than this.

just been here for a couple of months now.. still trying to get some direction.. focus.. time will tell ..

Current Mood: confused
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
10:42 am
long long time..
I can't remember how time just went by.. more than 6 months ago I had no idea I would still be here in Mexico, working, living life as it is..

Work's been an adventure, can't say good or bad, cause its been a bit of both, but I have to admit, its given me the best opportunity to expand my horizon, learn new things, new people, new language, new culture.. and something like this is the best learning experience.

I've really missed writing as well since this was my only source of truly saying what I felt inside.

It's wierd how being here also makes me think sometimes if I will ever settle down in one single place. How can I? This world is too big and I want to see as much of it as possible... So if I don't remain here in Mexico, maybe I'll be somewhere else next year and life will go on.. meeting new people, new cultures and new languages.. Is this what I really want?? Never to be in one place?? What is it really that I'm looking for??

I wonder if anyone really looks at life the way I do.. if anyone wonders the stuff I do..

It's also wierd how when I find other things that distract me from writing and reading for that matter, eventually someone always brings me back to this. Everyone needs to reflect.. EVERYONE.. I think the problem is some people don't reflect enough.. and therefore remain themselves the way they are forever. Maybe that's good in a way.. What has all these changes done to me anyway.. lose friends.. lose loved ones.. just built a whole lot of memories along the way.. some good .. others bad..

Really wish I could go back to my childhood again.. just relive it once more.. the trajedy of life being that this is never possible for anyone..........

Current Mood: peaceful
Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
4:48 pm
a few months ago i was suppose to pack my bags by the end of this week and get ready to leave.. for good.. and now things have changed so drastically.. my going home in a week has become an indefinite plan!!

its an unknown road ahead on which i have to walk alone. maybe i'll find more difficulties on my way, maybe it will be an impossible path.. but i have to move onwards.. cant look back .. which doesnt mean look back at my mistakes and learn from them for the future, but i cant look back at what i didnt get or achieve.. because i can always try get it now..

mind feels a bit blank.. im going to miss this place.. a lot.. especially some people who i got so close to and who were always there for me.. will i be able to settle down in yet a another alien environment all over again?? a question just haunting me.. the answer which will reveal itself in time..

Current Mood: nostalgic
Friday, April 1st, 2005
2:39 pm
even after 13 years.. some things remain the same!
i can' believe he played an april fool's day trick on me yet again.. i always fell for it in the past, and even now, somethings never change..

well it was a good one anyway, but my reaction was not.. couldnt understand why i began to cry.. i mean, its like my emotions are all mixed up and i dont know what i want from life anymore..

Current Mood: confused
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
9:21 am
ok so the next step would be??
every step of one's life, one faces many questions and decisions... sometimes it is wonderable that our lives are shaped according to the decisions we make. if things are screwed up.. we have made bad decisions and we blame everything else but ourselves..

its important to understand, that it is not the decision that is bad or good.. it is the way the situation is handled that determines how things will turn out..

one of the biggest barriers to self content is 'expectations'...

but why is it so wrong to expect when you know you deserve it?
its true that each one gets their share of joy and sorrows and its also true that no matter what happens, we are powerful enough to deal with any aspect of life.. because thats what makes life's 'experiences' and we come out stronger individuals..

but this is a question, who's answer will unfold mysteriously along the way..

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
5:05 pm
almost 5 months...
its been a hell of a trip coming here..

i cant believe i've been here almost 5 months and so busy that never stopped to think about writing in this journal.. the only place i can actually vent without being judged..

thanks to some guy who decided to send me a comment on an entry, did it occur to me that i still have this precious account and in a land where no one understands me or there are no others that are alike.. i have a page to write whatever i want.. freely..

everyone says, there's always a first time for everything..... how complicated can things be?? when things started to change initially, i never thought that i would not have an upper hand in a single decision.. my life seems to be controlled and i need to figure out a quick way to get it back .. i have never felt more helpless than this phase in my life.

I know that once im done here and head home or elsewhere, other things will interest me.. but i feel like im losing that power i have within.. the power i always felt inside, which no one is aware of and never will be... i dont think i have lost it.. i just think im not using all of it .. and its important that i start getting back on track.. soon..

even what most people fear at this point in their lives.. the question.. the BIG question.. was brought up in front of me.. and even thought it seems like a light serious thing.. will get more serious gradually.. i really need to sort out all these issues.. time is of great importance.. and when i finally get the chance to have some kind of stability, i hope these matters will fall into place.. they have to fall into place..

Current Mood: nostalgic
Saturday, September 25th, 2004
5:22 am
it's definately me!

how is it that i can never hold onto anything.. a feeling.. emotion.. friends.. lovers..
they all seem to always slip by.. time heals a lot.. but it changes things around as well..
sometimes for the better.. but other times it just changes things for the worst..
why do i get so sad about some things all the time.. i can never deal with them??
why is so hard i wonder? i need to meet new people.. need to move out of the regular circle..
need to see the world more.. and not make anymore attachments.. its too painful when the same fall out.. way too painful..

a lot of people find writing in a journal is lame... and for losers.. with no lives..
but somehow this is the only thing i can count on.. and talk to .. and it understands me.. and lets me say anything i want without forming its own opinion and throwing it back at me!

well.. its time things better start looking up.. or different.. its too monotonous at the moment..

Current Mood: distressed
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
2:59 pm
i cant believe its all falling into place.. finally!!

one chapter ends, and the next one begins...

what life has in store for me, no one knows...

maybe this time, everything will be different.. maybe it wont..

but its still worth the adventure...

Current Mood: happy
Sunday, August 29th, 2004
10:16 pm
i love indian weddings.. (not that i've attended other kinds as yet) but there's just something amazingly fun about them.. watching relatives meet each other, making polite conversations, eyeing unknown people around you and eating awesome food..

but it can get wierd when the same relatives start clutching your arm and say its your turn next! thats when you wanna run.. and run real fast and far away from them...

i still had a good time meeting everyone again in delhi, and going to interesting places.. till the next time...

Current Mood: satisfied
Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
5:45 pm
look up!
walk as you may, but if you're looking down, all you'll see is the ground beneath you, just the part you keep stepping on.. but, if u look up, your vision would invariably cover vast portions of the sky.. and thats what one should always aim for, its more fulfiling and plenty more opportunities are visible then!!

i think this wait period did some good.. put things more into perspective, made me realise some significant stuff, and charged me up enough to give all i've got in any new venture i adopt.

i love zoe, i think its one of the coolest sitcom's ever.. blair is such a good actress, she should really get some meaningful roles that do justice to her talent..

(good luck to me for the interview tomorrow!)

Current Mood: excited
Monday, August 9th, 2004
4:27 am
losing people along the way...
i felt it .. and thats why i had to say something about it.. and i did.

why is not right to speak your mind? especially to a friend you think understands and would help you to get back on the right track?

its disturbing, i suddenly feel like im incapable of holding onto anything for a long time because it always seems to just leave.. fun, happiness, people and things.. emotions are more important than people and things.. but my emotions always develop into intense attachments. once that happens, i find it difficult to draw the line.. or how much i can control the relationship... and thats where it always gets screwed up.. no wait, there's another reason.. its cause i take people and things for granted. i cant do that, i cant take things for granted.. its not right..

Current Mood: awake
Saturday, August 7th, 2004
3:03 am
re union?
when i least expect to meet some people.. they just appear, and i dont know how to react or work with the situation. i dont think i would ever fit in the way i use to.. but i dont want to either, its not worth it.. not after the bitching and talking about things that were personal to me..

but im not going to let my mind think or worry about that, cause its more important for the results of tomorrow.. the deciding factor.. the made it or lost it scene!

i cant stay here anymore, i know this will always be home, but things have changed so much that i have to move on, and change with them.. i cannot cling on to old memories and pretend everything is fine or cool around me.. if they are not, they are not!

ill have to seriously make some plans if tomorrow is a negative for me.. seriously...

Current Mood: anxious
Thursday, August 5th, 2004
2:28 am
in waiting
how funny this is, that no matter how high above the gorund u live.. you can still hear the street sounds in this city.. i've grown up listening to these sounds, of cars, people, the sea..

watching a movie, and friends on silent on the tv.. always could do two things at a time..

just wanted to say something.. anything.. havent in a while.. havent done a lot of things in a while.. like cry.. its been ages.. and its not like i want to cry.. but even when i shud, i dont anymore.. its like im so hard on the inside that i dont feel anymore.. i dont even cry when im going through a break up.. its just pathetic.. anyway, i hope i dont fell this way for too long.. and some emotion emerges from within..

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Sunday, August 1st, 2004
7:45 pm
still the same feeling...
cant get over it.. its the same feeling everytime.. even though i have a feeling this will be ok again .. sooner or later, but whats the point, life will bring me back in that spot..

cant believe tday's friendship's day.. wonder how many people actually celebrate this.. i mean, first it use to be friends getting together, celebrating over dinner, coffee, drinks.. now its just text messages going around, whether you mean it or not.. sometimes the words are spiced up.. but what does it really mean to be a happy friendship's day?? why should there be a day to celebrate it?? why cant it just be subtly appreciated every day.. or moments when it truly deserves it..

anyway, thats a lot for today.. havent written much in a long time.. but i forgot how much writing in this journal helped..

Current Mood: curious
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
3:23 pm
wish upon a shooting star....

words seem to dissapear.. cause i know if i wish something it wont just come true. it does seldomly, but not this one.. if im practical about it. so its difficult, but ill still hope if not wish for this.. its all i want.. and all i would look forward to..

Current Mood: crappy
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